What does a wife look like?

Sometimes when people find out that I’m married, they say things like “You don’t seem like you’d be married” or “I never would have guessed you have a husband”. I laugh it off but can’t help but wonder- what do they think a wife is supposed to look like? I assume a great deal of it has to with my age. If I’m not in my lawyer suit, I get mistaken for someone up to 10 years younger (thanks for the great genes, Mom!). Anyways, it got me thinking about people’s opinions on marriage in general. I believe that marriage isn’t for everyone. But at the same time, marriage gets a bad rap. In 2015, people still seem to think that marriage has to look like June and Ward Cleaver. Why?

I’ve been married two years, and I’m still the same person. Have my priorities changed? Of course. Tex is my husband, and spending time with him is non-negotiable for me. But that does’t mean I gave up everything that didn’t revolve around him. Because we met in college and most of our circle consists of friends who know us both, we usually socialize as a couple. But that doesn’t mean I spend the whole night cuddling him in the corner (although I’m not ashamed to grab a hug and a quick smooch when I feel like it). When he wants to hang at the bar with his homeboys, I’m cool with it. I take advantage of having the apartment to myself and watch the reality shows he hates, give myself a pedicure, or just enjoy the silence and a good book. Unfortunately I don’t have any girlfriends who live less than an hour away from me, but I still keep in touch. Tex is my rock but he can’t be my entire life.

We just do what works for us. A woman in my building was scandalized by the fact that I don’t always wear my wedding band. Neither does Tex. It’s not a diss- I love my rings. But I’ve never been much into jewelry and I work in a really small office where everyone knows I’m married. If I have to fend off a random guy at the grocery store from time to time, so be it. WE know we’re married and a piece of metal doesn’t affect our commitment level. I knew he was the one years before he put a ring on it; that just made it official to the rest of the world. We do our own thing. He does most of the house cleaning; I do the cooking and manage the finances. lt works and if it stops working, we’ll figure it out.

Marriage isn’t a death sentence. I enjoy being a wife as much as I enjoy being a sister, a friend, an attorney. It’s another part of my life. And it can look like whatever I want it to.

Loose lips and pink slips

This image originally appeared at http://peoplelab.co.uk/trust-me-im-your-employee/

This image originally appeared at http://peoplelab.co.uk/trust-me-im-your-employee/

Since 2002 when Heather Armstrong got fired for making objectionable comments about her workplace on her blog, social media has exploded. It’s now an inescapable fact of life that we’re living in what amounts to a self-imposed surveillance state. Headed out  to the store in your IDGAF comfy clothes? Don’t be surprised if you end up on People of Walmart. If you get into a barroom brawl you might see it later on Worldstar Hip-Hop. Between Twitter, Facebook, Vine, Instagram, Snapchat and the memes that accompany every news item of note, privacy is all but dead.

But for all of us who are not celebrities, the internet presence that’s attributed to you is usually of your own choosing. Unless you’re applying for a job that requires some type of government clearance, most employers are not going to go any further than a Google search and a standard background check. So if you don’t put your government name on all your social media accounts (and don’t follow/friend all your coworkers), you can maintain some level of privacy on the internet.

The National Labor Relations Board recently passed down a ruling which states that employees cannot be fired for criticizing their employer online. It’s considered protected activity. This squares with the NLRB’s general policy on social media. This doesn’t give you the all clear, though- you can still be fired for posts that are not considered protected activity (such as  untrue statements about the employer, disclosure of confidential information, or racist/sexist/harassing comments that contribute to a hostile work environment). And this doesn’t take into account the ways in which your outspokenness about job conditions (or even religion or politics) may make a bad impression on your employer, leading the company to place you under scrutiny without your knowledge.

The lesson? Social media and your job don’t mix. If you’re in a creative field, then having a bold personality is part of your brand. Nobody wants a musician who is wholly without opinions, and a little controversy can differentiate a stylist or photographer from the crowd. As for the rest of us, no news is generally goodness. The complete absence of an internet presence can scare employers off because nobody wants to hire a complete unknown. It just depends on how much you want to reveal. As a newbie lawyer, I err on the side of caution. My job is to be objective and so until I have an established track record, I’d rather not have all my opinions on display. When it comes to my job, I try not to blog, Facebook or tweet anything negative. Had a tough day at work? CALL A FRIEND. It’s highly unlikely that your BFF is going to record the conversation and send it to your boss. It’s highly more likely that one of your coworkers is going to screenshot your complaints about your boss and save them for a rainy day. Stay woke and remember- loose lips equal pink slips.

I’m back

This blog has gotten awfully dusty. First it was because I was in an unemployment-related funk and didn’t have anything to say. Then it was because I was having an inner struggle about how much is too much of yourself to reveal on the internet. Then it was because I was just too damn busy.

Well, better late than never. Things are going pretty well. I’m getting into the groove at work and feeling less like a rookie by the day. Tex got a promotion and even though his hours have gotten almost as long as mine, he’s really loving his job. Two months after the passing of our friend, I’m finally starting to feel back to normal. I’m sleeping better and feeling less “bleh” in general. I’ve still got a lot on my plate at work but it doesn’t feel quite so impossible.

I’ve been thinking more and more about having kids. NO, I’m not nearly ready to have them but we are going to become godparents in December. I suppose I need the practice. It seems like another friend or family member gets pregnant every week now (a lot of them are MY AGE!) and I just can’t wrap my head around it. I can barely handle taking care of myself and my husband right now. I just paid off my law school credit card debt, and now I’m getting ready to make a couple balloon payments on my car note before my student loan deferment ends. I mean, we wouldn’t be broke if we had a kid but it’s not just the money (because let’s face it, as long as parents want to give their kids the world no amount of money will be enough). But the time, the energy, the sheer monumental effort…geez louise. I’m not ready for that yet.

What I have come to realize is that money/work are not important to me. At least, not the way they seem to be to society at large. I need to focus on stacking paper while we’re living that DINK* life and just know that I will need to budget to live below my means after that. Because I’m not interested in being a full time working mom, nor do I want to be a housewife. I want something in between. I’d like to be a part-time/contract lawyer so I can set my own hours and only take on as many clients as I want to. But the full time firm lawyer thing is just not gonna cut it forever. But hey, as long as I’m making more than I would folding shirts at Macy’s I’m good.

It’s become solidified for me that I’m far more interested in “leaning in” to my husband and our family than any job. Tex and I have weathered many a storm during our first two years of marriage- extended unemployment, relocation, living with his parents, and the death of one of our closest friends. And being able to count on him during those times has made me fall more in love with him than ever. He’s the best part of my life (no pun intended). I’m not going to go to my deathbed regretting that I didn’t spend enough time working. I care about my career- I worked hard to become a lawyer and I enjoy it. But as long as we have enough money to meet our needs and take a few  vacations, I’m good.



*Dual income, no kids.


My friend died last weekend.

I was at the airport, heading home from my girlfriend’s wedding when Tex and I got the news. We had just seen him three weeks ago. Nobody knows what happened except that it was unknown natural causes, and he died at home with his parents.

I work for a solo practitioner, so I only took one day off and went back to work this week. But everything feels hard. I force myself to stuff the grief down long enough to do my job, which increasingly requires more and more hours. But I can feel it choking me as the demands and my to do list pile up and I fantasize about quitting, running away, yelling, screaming…anything but pretend my life is the same as it was before August 2, 2015.

The feeling of being overwhelmed at work will probably pass. If it doesn’t, I’ll explore options and figure something out. But my friend is not coming back. I’ll never get to go to his wedding, or invite his kids to play with mine, or watch a terrible movie and laugh about how bad it is. We won’t build his business together the way planned to. My only consolation is that he spent his life surrounded by the love of friends and family; there’s no question that he went to the other side knowing he’d be deeply, deeply missed.

And I’m still here, and Tex is still here, even though I know he’s trying even harder than I am to deal with the fact that his friend–no, really his brother–is gone.


Dollars and Sense

It pains me that raising the minimum wage is even a debate. In a capitalist society, you’d think that more money for everyone to spread around would be a good thing, but apparently not. Seems that a lot of folks are surprised, appalled, and even downright pissed that fast food workers dare ask for $15/hr. When it comes to money, it seems a lot of people can’t (or won’t) apply logic and just do the math. I swear Americans despise poor people because we’re all convinced that one day we’re gonna make it to the 1% even though statistics say that’s nearly impossible. I mean it’s the 1%, not the 99%, for crying out loud! I’ve seen a lot of chatter surrounding this thanks to the “Fight for $15” strikes that happened this week. I’ve got more to say than will fit in a tweet or a Facebook status, so I decided to dust off my blog and cut through the BS.

First, the entire point of creating a minimum wage was so that every person who made the effort to work full time would be able to feed themselves and their families. The analogy used by the Supreme Court in addressing that this law was constitutional was that if wages fall below a certain point, you are basically doing  slave labor.  Post- industrialization, women’s lib, and desegregation, the types of jobs that are relegated to minimum wage have changed. Factory assembly line jobs are  almost defunct. What hasn’t changed is that minimum wage jobs are typically thought to be disposable. The fact is, somebody has to take out the trash. Somebody has to flip the burgers we eat two and three times a week. Somebody has to fold the cheap clothes we buy from Target and Old Navy. Somebody has to be the mall security guard. Somebody has to drive the metro bus. For whatever reason, it’s easy to ignore the issue because fast food workers are apparently not worthy of a living wage.

There’s a lot of talk about how raising the minimum wage will destroy ambition. That has not and will never be true. Minimum wage is still minimum, and $30,000/yr is just  barely comfortable for a new college graduate. It certainly isn’t enough to support the kind of lifestyle that most people would be content with living forever. And I’d bet money that raising the minimum wage would get more people into the workforce and off welfare. Why? Because in some states, you can actually live just as (un)comfortably on food stamps and Section 8 housing as you can working a full time minimum wage job- and you’ll have a lot more free time to boot. If you already grew up in the projects, why work harder to stay in the same place? Hell, there are professional women quitting their jobs to be homemakers because their $50,000 salary won’t cover the daycare they need to be able to work, much less the additional food, clothing and shelter costs children entail.

“But fast food isn’t meant to be a career”, you say.” Well, teenagers can’t work full time because they have school. Most retirees don’t want to work, and age discrimination screens out most of the rest of them. To reiterate, as long as we demand cheap consumer goods we need low wage workers to provide them. Some of those workers will inevitably be adults with families. Well, as discussed above, there’s a demand and a need for minimum wage jobs. No economy can support a 100% white collar workforce. At that point, the cost of living would skyrocket because we’d be importing groceries and paying jacked up rates to keep the lights on. Even if everyone could afford to attend college, not everyone would want to- and that’s perfectly fine. Doesn’t mean they don’t have a right to live. But even if college was compulsory, we’d just end up with a whole bunch of degreed burger flippers.

What’s sad is that is seems like people need someone to feel superior to. Sure, maybe you make only marginally more than the Wendy’s manager- at least you have a degree, so you can call yourself elite. In reality we need a raise in wages, minimum or not, across the board. Subsidies and tax breaks for corporations have kept the prices of consumer goods low, but wages have remained stagnant. Even wages for professional jobs have not kept up with inflation because corporate profit margins are bigger than ever before. Nobody wants to advocate for bettering the lot of the poor because we all believe that someday we’ll be millionaires. Truth is, if you don’t own real estate, stocks, bonds, and a trust fund, it’s just a matter of how many missed paychecks it will take for you to end up on welfare.

The lesson of the day? Stay woke. Capitalism will chew you up and spit you out.




Dear Eloquii, Again

Eloquii is back, and I think it’s here to stay.

From the time they launched, there hasn’t been a month that I haven’t seen one of their pieces featured in a fashion magazine or on a fashion blog. The styling is gorgeous and I drool over every new lookbook that drops. But I don’t have unlimited shopping funds, and lawyers don’t get to wear jeans to work. It seemed like Eloquii was going to focus on casual and cocktail attire. But recently, the workwear section of the site has exploded. While there are only a couple of options for coordinated suiting, there are lots of good mix match options. One of the things I dislike about my profession is the conservative dress code- I like to be comfortable and cute, and suits tend to be neither. But I’ve finally found pants that fit properly, blazers without shoulder pads that accommodate a larger bust, and pretty, stylish blouses. So in addition to being my first stop for special occasion dresses and trendy casual clothes, Eloquii has rounded things out with workwear that’s both fun and appropriates. And FINALLY, someone has done plus-size blazers in a variety of cuts and styles- traditional, open, collarless, notched collar, the list goes on. And their signature pant is available in short, regular and long inseams, saving you a trip to the tailor. Eloquii isn’t perfect, but it is improving. While still plagued by  polyester (is it just because scuba fabric is the new hot thing and it’s always a polyester/spandex blend?), I’m seeing cotton, rayon and silk pop up in the new items. This is excellent because in Houston it doesn’t get below 75 degrees for 8 months of the year. (Wearing polyester on top of polyester in dark colors is not what you want here. Ever.)

In the past month, I’ve purchased some version of all the items below and have my eye on several others. I love all my new pieces and feel great wearing them! The color blocking, fit and seaming details really make all the difference in elevating these from your plain old boring work clothes. I hope that Eloquii continues to put out great quality fashion at affordable prices.

Eloquii workwear



$69 – nordstrom.com