Thoughtful 30

 

I’m 30, which is an age that comes with a lot of “supposed to be”. You’re supposed to be married, supposed to be starting a family, supposed to be at a high point in your care, supposed to be financially stable, blah, blah, blah. I am where I am, which is better than where I used to be but not where I want to end up and most days I’m 100% okay with that. I literally do not have the energy for anything that’s not about my family, my friends, or my job.

30 years old is when you start to recognize your mortality. You realize that you can’t take your health for granted. It could be something as big as having experienced the death of close family or friend. Or the simple fact that you can’t work out without stretching afterward and expect to be mobile the next day. Your body still bounces back from a night of drinking, or a week of eating nothing but junk food, but you feel it. It’s not automatic. I’ve really started to prioritize my health because I owe it to myself. And I feel it would be stupid of me to become a mother and try to raise a whole human, without being consistent about the things that take care of me.  I’ve got a few years left to myself and I’m using them to become a better version of me, the me that I want to maintain into my golden years. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I want to vibrate higher.

People tell me, “You’re always so calm!” or “You always know what to do!”. Which is funny because it’s so far from the truth. I am less uptight and anxious than I used to be but the progress was hard fought, and there are days when I feel crazy. What grounds me? The knowledge that stress kills, so I try not to work myself up over nothing. As for the rest of it, I do my research, ask questions, and then make a decision.  There’s no way to completely avoid making a mistake ever, and most mistakes, if made in good faith, are not unfixable. You can’t let the fear of getting it wrong 5% of the time paralyze you into never doing anything, or constantly apologizing for your decisions ahead of time. It’s inefficient and annoying as f*ck.

To close this out, I experienced a stumbling block just this week that would have sent 25 year old me into a tailspin. I got passed over for a lateral promotion that would have made me permanent at my job rather than staying on contract. And I didn’t care. I was truly at peace, and even happy for the people who got it. God has never let me down, so I know he has something better for me. Even if it’s me finally going out on my own as as solo practitioner (something else I realized will happen eventually, because I’m just not built to be a worker bee forever. I have too many strong opinions on how I could run a business better!). Not once in my life have I had to beg, borrow, or steal in order to take care of my basic, essential needs. Everything else I can live without. I trust that there will be a day when I’m rich (by my standards), and will be able to comfortably do most of the things I want. That day won’t come any faster by spending these building years envious of others, or upset that my blessings aren’t coming faster. So I will wait, gratefully.

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